So, I’m sitting here in my living room staring at the cover of a coffee table book about Paris. This isn’t just any coffee table book – it’s Monumental Paris, a ginormous tome with 218 full-color illustrations, 6 fold-open spreads, and a signed print. It is, simply, stunning. It is also, save for a quick peek on Christmas, unopened.

Why I haven’t opened it? It’s not because I don’t like Paris. In fact, I LOVE Paris and, ever since we traveled there this fall, have been dreaming and scheming ways to transplant our whole family there, or at least visit again soon. Yet, here I’ve got the means to visit Paris in my mind anytime I want, and I’m not even buying a ticket.

It’s not that I don’t want to open it… I do. I think about opening it all the time. I keep seeing it there and make plans to curl up on my couch and absorb every last gorgeous image. But it’s not happening.

And it suddenly occurs to me that this is a pattern of mine, putting off doing something or wearing something or using something because I want to save it or make sure it is super special.

Case in point:

I often “save” my wool running socks instead of wearing them because once I wear them, they’ll be inaccessible to me for the next 5 or 6 days until I do laundry.

Same goes for my favorite cozy undershirts.

I rarely light candles even though I love them because then they’ll run out more quickly.

I am guilty of keeping a set of cloth napkins I absolutely loved unused in my dining room hutch for 8 years because I knew they’d never be as crisp and beautiful again. (I finally used them on Christmas day this year.)

I buy beautiful journals and then don’t write in them because I don’t want to “ruin them.”

Three years ago I spent a Pottery Barn gift card on the softest throw on the planet, but have only used it twice because I don’t want it to get ruined.

And now this thing with the Monumental Paris book. I know soaking in those beautiful images will be overwhelmingly beautiful and special and part of me wants that experience to still be ahead of me. Weird, I know. And completely not in-line with my goal of living in the present as much as possible.

So, today I’m going to change that.

Today is the day I get cozy on my couch, spread that super soft throw over my lap, light a candle, and drink in each and every page of that book. Oh, and I think I’ll wear my wool socks and favorite undershirt while I’m at it. Perhaps while taking notes in one of my new journals and eating a snack resting on one of those gorgeous napkins.

Because as I tell my coaching clients all the time, life is happening right now. As in, this very moment.

So, what are you waiting for?

The book. (Gorgeous, right?)

One of the things I hear from a lot of the young women I coach is that if they put their own needs above someone else’s, they’re being selfish. And being selfish? That’s bad stuff, right? I mean, by its very definition, to be selfish means to focus on one’s own betterment to the disregard or detriment of another.

In her book Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence, author Rachel Simmons writes ”the pressure to be ‘Good’ – unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless – diminishes girls authenticity and personal authority.”

If this is the way girls are being raised, then it’s no wonder that by the time girls reach their late tweens or twenties, the thought of making choices that are in their own best interest might feel, well, strange, if not uncomfortable or even shameful.

But what happens when we replace the word selfish with self-interested?

The way I see it, self-interest is taking care of oneself – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Self-interest is a way to focus on your own needs, not in a way that is meant to hurt or diminish others, but in a way that allows you to show up for your life from a place of knowing and purpose and peace.

The definitions might seem subtle, but the intention for each looks and feels very different:

For example, say your colleague tries to dump a bunch of extra work on your plate on a Friday afternoon just as you’re heading out the door for a much-needed weekend of chilling and recharging?

• Selfish: You slip it back on her desk when she’s not in her office with a post-it saying you’re too busy and head out the door. It’s so not your problem.
• Self-Interested: You let your colleague know you can’t take it on and offer to help her brainstorm other solutions for getting her work done.
• What Happens All Too Often Instead: You don’t want to let your boss down, so you sacrifice your blissful weekend and suck-it-up.

Or what if your roommate / partner / insert noun here walks in the door right as you’re about to dig into your takeout for one and she moans about how she’s starving and would love to share in your spoils?

• Selfish: You say no way, grab the takeout, condiments and all, and head off to your room to eat in peace.
• Self-Interested: You explain you’ve been looking forward to this meal all day and offer to give her a small taste while calling in an order for an extra dish.
• What Happens All Too Often Instead: You share your food down the middle and end the night feeling hungry and annoyed your roomie didn’t plan better.

See the difference? Again…it’s all about intention.

Plainly put, selfish is uncaring. Thoughtless. Greedy. Even narcissistic.

Self-interested on the other hand is thoughtful. Honest. Caring. Even peaceful. 

Self-interest, not unlike speaking your truth, means that you get to have what you need when you need it so you can be your best self and support others getting what they need, too.

This past weekend, I slipped out of town with seven girlfriends for a much-needed getaway on the north end of Whidbey Island, a beautiful, rugged spot about ninety minutes northwest of Seattle. Despite this being a particularly busy time in my world – coming off nearly a week of snow days (read: child at home and very little work being done by yours truly) and with 67 items still on my big, hairy launching-a-business to do list – a weekend off the grid (not literally, of course – otherwise how would the hot tub have been powered?) for a push of my figurative reset button was exactly what this girl needed.

It was clear to me that some serious tuning in, reflecting, and recharging was in order. Luckily, I know that sometimes in order to tune in, you actually have to check out.

The thing about checking out is that the more hectic our lives get, the more we tend to resist taking time off. We’re afraid that if we slow down, we’ll loose our momentum, we’ll miss the deadline, we’ll fall behind, or worse. We worry that if we actually slow down, we might realize we don’t actually like what we’re doing or we’ll be forced to get cozy with negative feelings we’ve been shoving away.

Still, I say, check out and tune in. Why? Because it helps you better show up for absolutely every aspect of your life.

So, fully recharged after a weekend of chilling out, running, lounging by the fire, eating amazing food, playing pool, listening to music, wearing fleece aplenty, and napping whenever I wanted to, I hereby offer you…

10 STRATEGIES FOR CHECKING OUT IN A RESTORATIVE WAY:

1.  Commune with Friends: I love me some alone time, but I also get so much out of my close friendships. For me, spending time with friends who appreciate my odd sense of humor, think I look more beautiful without make-up then with it, trust me enough to be completely TAO (transparent, authentic, and open) in our relationship and expect the same from me is, simply put, soul-feeding. Even better, quality time with my girlfriends usually means bouts of laughing ’til I snort, occasional MC Hammer dance offs, and deep conversations about the stuff that really matters.

2.  Get Back to Nature: Andrea Faber Taylor, an environmental psychologist, says that “Looking at nature is another activity that gives our directed attention [the kind of attention we call on for tasks that require focus] a chance to recover.” For me, just being in nature is instantly rejuvenating. Hiking, skiing, running, walking, or sitting on the sand looking out across the water – no matter what it looks like for you, spending time outdoors in nature is healing for your brain, body, and soul.

3.  Watch Oldies But Goodies: If I turn on the TV and stumble upon the classic movie When Harry Met Sally, I’m not going anywhere until the credits roll. The same goes for Some Kind of Wonderful or Annie Hall or Dirty Dancing. Because for me, these movies and others like them make me happy on a very core level. They tap into my nostalgia (the good kind) and reconnect my current self with my inner teen who is in turn deeply connected to my raw, emotional self. Watching Footloose this past Saturday night with my girlfriends had this very effect, and brought me incredible joy with each bad perm, cheesy line, and Flashdance-inspired dance move.

4. Disconnect: When I said I was off-the-grid earlier, I mean I survived a solid weekend with no wi-fi. No wi-fi meant no iPad, which meant no easy access to email and other social networking apps. Sure, I had my iPhone, but I’m a big-screen kinda gal, so not having access to wireless meant I didn’t feel the need to stay up-to-date on my newsfeed, my Twitter feed, or my inbox. And as much as I like to be in the know, being disconnected can be oh so freeing.

5. Exercise: For some people, exercise might be a “have to do,” but to me and my friends, it’s a “love to do.” Unfortunately, for most people exercise ends up being the activity that gets kicked off the list when work and school and life gets busy. For me, it’s exactly during these hectic times that my exercise is more crucial than ever. It keeps me grounded and healthy and sane. It gets me out of my head and back into my body. My hunch is it will do the same for you.

6. Eat Treats (Guilt-Free): I’m not saying to eat “guilt-free treats” like air-popped popcorn or apple slices or carrots. I’m saying that every now and then it’s restorative to “eat treats without the guilt.” This just so happens to be a strategy I’m quite experienced at, so I can attest to its restorative powers. Over the past three days I treated myself to mini-chocolate bars, chocolate chip cookies, grilled sticky buns, and copious amounts of chips with guacamole. And since I allowed myself to indulge without judgment or guilt, I enjoyed every last morsel in the moment. (And isn’t that what tuning in is all about?)

7. Read Inspiring (or Trashy) Books & Magazines: How often do you allow yourself to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon cozied up with a good book or magazine that isn’t something you’ve got to cover for school or work? Even though I love to read, it’s somehow been relegated to being a “before bed” activity, almost like an afterthought. This I’m bound and determined to change. This past weekend I gave it a go with a rather eclectic selection of reading material: US Weekly (my guilty pleasure reserved for special occasions), a David Sedaris book, and The Strange Case of Origami Yoda, the latter stolen from the bookshelf of my 7-year-old son. (What can I say? It worked for me.)

8. Get Cozy: Fleece. Warm slippers. Soft wool socks. Elastic waste bands. Soft layers. Ample throws. Need I say more?

9. Ditch the Schedule: As a recovering control freak, going with the flow is relatively new territory for me, but once I fully embrace the notion of no clocks, no “have-tos,” no expectations and open myself up to the possibility of experiencing whatever comes up, life can be very fun, and light, and interesting. By truly letting go and staying fully in the moment, you create room for delicious accidents and plenty of synchronicity. And that, my friend, is where the real magic happens.

10. Notice the Beauty: As the Navajo Beauty Way prayer says, there is beauty above us, below us, in front of us, behind us, to our left and to our right, all around us, and within us. When we take the time to stop and notice the beauty in everything – a crack in the street, a decaying leaf, the pattern the rain makes on the windshield, the sound of a ferry horn – we tune in in a way that brings true peace and clarity and a sense of connection. Beauty really is all around us.

* * * * *

My goal for this week? Find time to weave each one of these strategies into my “real” life at least once in the next seven days. How about you? Will you join me in giving it a go?

Ten years ago, I was in the wrong job. I thought I should be more satisfied—I worked for a great company, spent my time in a great environment, and had a lot of autonomy. But still, it just wasn’t working for me, on so many levels. I knew I needed to make a change, but speaking up and asking for what I wanted didn’t seem like an option.

In fact, speaking up and being honest about what I wanted was absolutely terrifying to me. For starters, there was the unknown of what would happen—I knew that once I spoke up, there’d be no going back. I was worried about pissing off the wrong people, about losing the respect of my professional peers. And having to face an uncomfortable confrontation? Ugh. Just thinking about it made my stomach hurt.

But then I realized I had to speak up. And not just speak up…but speak my truth. This became clear to me after reading Shakti Gawain’s book Living in the Light: Follow Your Inner Guidance to Create a New Life and a New World. Her words not only encouraged me to tune in and trust my gut, but explained why speaking our truth is so important. Plainly put, everyone benefits when we speak our truth. I’m not talking truth by way of ditching the filter and saying what you think at every moment of every day, good, bad, and ugly. I’m talking big picture truth. The truth within you. The truth that comes from your gut…your intuition…your essential self.

“When I’m true to myself, I have a positive effect on the world around me.” – Shakti Gawain

Ten years ago, I did end up speaking my truth. And the world didn’t end. In fact, speaking my truth led to me being where I am today, at this moment. I’d say that worked out pretty well. But it’s still tricky sometimes. I still worry about pissing off the wrong people…about what others will think of me…about what those unknowns in the equation will look like.

So I remember that my speaking my truth encourages others to do the same. It forces people to stretch themselves. It keeps communication clear and transparent. Tricky or not, I do it anyway.

If you haven’t spoken your truth in a while, why not give it a try?

Be fearless.

Be honest.

Be transparent.

Be unapologetic.

Know that you’re worth asking for what you need. 

Know that when you speak your truth, the whole world benefits.

We’re only nine days into 2012 and already it’s brought with it some serious newness in my world.

First, there’s my new name: Debbie Reber. Okay, it’s not really new, but I’m officially changing my brand from Deborah to Debbie. It seems my 22-year-old self thought people would take me more seriously if I went by “Deborah.” Now? I just wanna be me. This switch feels like changing out of an ill-fitting skirt suit into my favorite jeans and cashmere sweater. Ahhh…much better. 

There’s my fresh, new logo and brand design, created by the fabu Shanda Foisy at Pixel Soup Creative. After one very enjoyable meeting over croissants and a Diet Coke, Shanda captured my design sensibility and aesthetic to create my new look and made the whole process seamless and exciting. I highly recommend working with Shanda if you’re looking to update your brand!

Then there’s my new website, the one you’re looking at now, programmed by my personal, ever-patient, ever-talented, in-home computer guru, a.k.a, the Hubs, Derin Basden (thanks sweets!). Here you’ll find the skinny on all my books, my new business (read on), and my speaking programs. And I’ll be blogging here every Tuesday about things like creativity, motivation, authenticity, risk-taking, self-discovery, and more. Sign up for my newsletter (at right) to stay in the loop.

There’s my new life coaching business which I’m beyond excited to formally launch after spending the past year training with the ever-inspiring Martha Beck. While I’ve been writing for and speaking to teens and 20-somethings for the past nine years, folding in a life coaching component is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and now it’s finally happening!

And last but not least, there’s my new e-book, What Smart Girls Know: 10 Truths to Discovering You, which is yours free when you sign up for my newsletter. What Smart Girls Know presents ten affirmations aimed at encouraging young women to discover their personal truth and step into the power already within them. It’s a passion project that stems from an unsold book proposal I wrote several years ago, so I’m thrilled to be able to offer it to my readers in this way. (Isn’t technology fabulous?)

So, that’s me.

How about you? What kind of newness are you rocking in your world? A new outlook? A new hairdo? A new habit?

Share your newness here in the comments and you’ll have a chance to win a copy of my book Chill: Stress-Reducing Techniques for a More Balanced, Peaceful You. I’ll pick 3 winners at random on Friday, Jan 13. (Just think, if you’re one of them, my book can be one more new thing in your world…)